Tips for the pre-teen years

Mood swings

The transition years between little a boy or girl and a teenager are a difficult and confusing time for most children. Not to mention for most parents. Your child may start answering you back, even seem to be wanting to provoke an argument just for the sake of it. These acts of rebellion are usually more hot air than substance and for the most part nothing to worry about. Mostly, it’s the natural frustration and angst of growing up. Children often become more secretive and start demanding their own space and exclude you from it. And they can be very inconsistent, one minute wanting you to back off, the next wanting all your attention. There are no instant answers, but here are a few thoughts that may help.

• Always take an interest in what they do and praise them when they need it. And don’t forget to give them lots of affection, remember a hug. Mums are usually good at this, but maybe Dads should try a bit harder.
• Listen to their problems, however insignificant they may seem in the grand scheme of things, they are massively important to them. 
• Allow them their privacy - they’ll appreciate being treated as independent people however little they are.
• Work out when to take a stand and when to let things go. An untidy bedroom isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it causes you hard work and the sooner they know they can do their bit to help the better.
• Keep everything in perspective, remember whatever it is they do now that is annoying and tiresome, they will usually grow out of it.

Anxiety

The world can be a worrying place for young minds, with new and potentially scary experiences happening out there everyday. Right now all your child needs is your reassurance, patience and understanding.

Once upon a time, it used to be the fear of the dark that would keep kids up at night. But now they’ve got more real, more practical and more understandable fears to cope with. Change is a big cause of anxiety. We move around more than we ever did, that often means moving not just from our home, but from our school too. In a new school your little one will have to cope with be new school kids and new peer pressures.

And as if that weren’t enough, our little ones often get exposed to too much information from the wider world, from news reports on tv, the internet – even over aggressive kids tv programmes. Terrorism, murders, disasters – are sadly words that our children know too well. And for a young mind all that stuff is a lot to handle, it can easily get magnified in someone so young. So the demons can be bigger than their real world.

Fear of dentists is a common concern which may have been prompted by a scary first encounter, which means they will avoid dentists whenever they can; doctors can also fall into the same category.

Normally most children learn to cope with their worries, but some kids dwell on their fears more than others. Headaches, stomach aches, sleepless nights or suddenly becoming agitated, may all be symptoms to watch out for. The most obvious example is when a child develops tummy trouble just before going to school or a party. Are they faking it to get out of the event or is it genuine and triggered by their fear? The best approach is to talk through their fears seriously but sensitively. You may discover that it’s the anxiety itself which is causing the physical discomfort.

How you can help

If you notice the warning signs, you may be able to nip the problem in the bud. Simply talking it through as grown up to grown up, discussing what they think might happen and how it would be resolved can help. For example, they may be afraid to go to a party. Why? It might be that there’s someone going to be there that they don’t like, or they’re afraid of meeting a lot of strangers. But they might also be inventing problems. You’re not going to be there to help, so what would happen if they had an accident or were ill? They need reassurance, and you can provide it as a loving parent. However, it has to be said that some fears can become so ingrained that you need to do more than just talk. Relaxation exercises can help or you may need to talk to your GP.

Giving them their own space

Let’s not underestimate the value of giving your child room to breathe. These days we tend to wrap our children up in cotton wool and as a result we end up cramping their style. The simple rule is ‘do as you would be done by.’ How would you like your child to treat your space? That’s how you should treat theirs. In other words:

• Knock and wait when they’re in their bedroom or the bathroom
• Never tidy up their room – let them do it their way
• When they have friends around leave them alone
• Trust them to give you anything the school wants you to have
• Never read a diary!
• Keep a wary eye on home and mobile phone bills and only complain if they are excessive
• Protect them online by using software that filters out adult content

Enjoying their freedom

The world is an exciting place, so it’s only natural that many children will want to explore it. You, of course, are worried about all that is wrong in the world and how it may impact on your child. So what do you do when your child wants to go out to play with their pals?

For your peace of mind, you need to know that they understand all of the following ‘rules’. When you’re clear that they understand the importance of these precautions you may feel more confident in letting them out of your sight.

• Do not talk to strangers
• Stay away from anyone who causes trouble
• Always wear a watch and come back at an agreed time
• Don’t wander off anywhere quiet
• Remember the Green Cross Code and always use a pedestrian crossing wherever possible
• Make sure they know their address by heart and your home telephone number
• Always show you’re pleased when they come back on time

If you feel confident they will act properly, you could let them go shopping for themselves at a local shop. Tell them how long they have to get to the shop and back and make sure they stick to it. If they do as they’re told, you and they know they can be trusted.

If you have a local cinema, you could encourage your child to go with friends to see a Saturday matinee or during the holidays, as long as you explain how they should behave and that they can only see U or PG certificate films. (Although a 12A would allow them in with someone over the age of 12, you’d best be sure that you think the film is suitable and that you know and trust the person who is over 12)

Girls and puberty

The onset of puberty presents problems for both you and your daughter. And your first problem is that you never know exactly when puberty will start. Some girls will start as young as nine or ten, others as late as 16. But whenever it does start, you’ll know about it!

As her reproductive organs start to work, a whole host of physical, mental and hormonal changes take place including the appearance of breasts and pubic and underarm hair. She will increase in weight and height, develop a waist and hips and suffer from skin problems and perspiration. Ultimately, she will have her first period.

How she feels

As adulthood beckons, she’ll have less time for you, perhaps regarding you as an embarrassment. There is little you can do to change this attitude. Just accept it. It doesn’t mean that she’s turned against you, simply that she’s struggling to come to terms with her bodily changes as well as seeking to assert her independence in the only way she can. After all, she still depends on you for her home and wellbeing and she still has to go to school. She has very little she can be independent about other than with her opinions, so let her run free with them.

As her body changes, so will her view of herself. Girls are rarely happy with what they see in the mirror. But now with the onset of puberty your daughter may well become insecure, both about her appearance and how she compares to her friends, who may be developing faster. She will need reassurance, so if she ever asks you about what’s happening or how she looks, always be supportive and explain that girls develop at different ages and at different rates. And make sure she knows that it all evens out in the end.

Her first period

You should also prepare her for her first period and how to deal with menstruation, especially the use of sanitary protection and the need for personal hygiene. She should know the facts of life by now, whether from lessons in school or from talking to you. And however awkward you may find discussing sex, it’s important that she understands that she can now become pregnant. So talk to her about sex and the whole pregnancy issue to make sure she’s armed with the facts. By establishing a bond of trust based on honesty and shared experience - remember what life was like for you at her age – you will become a trusted friend and an important source of information.

For more great tips and information read any of the following pages

• Good Nutrition For Teens
• What Should My Teenager Be Eating
• Your Teenagers Concentration
• Your Teenager At School 
• Your Teenager At Exam Time
• Exercise And Your Teenager